An open letter to my daughter on the verge of being a big sister

Dearest little nug,

As you get older, you'll realize that there are going to be a lot of defining moments in your life.  There's the obvious ones, like graduations and weddings; but there are other kinds of moments...more subtle ones, that maybe you won't recognize at first, but they alter your life in a way you couldn't imagine.  That's what happened to me around this time 14 years ago...

It was July of 1998.  Just having turned 17,  I worked at Camp Arrowhead for my summer money and socialization.  I'd been going there since I was a kid, and when I was too old too attend, I started working there.  I'd had a lot of amazing experiences there...I made amazing summer friends, had my first boyfriends, my first breakups, and even first kisses; my very best and favorite summer memories are all at Camp Arrowhead.

It started out just like every other morning for me.  Your Uncle Mike was also a counselor, and we shared bus duties; since he was usually really tired (*cough*hungover*cough*), I handled the morning bus ride, and he handled the afternoons.  As our bus started up the huge hill to enter the camp, I had no way of knowing that on the way down that big hill, I'd see the boy that would eventually be my husband (and your Daddy!).  I will never forget that moment; I saw him at least 30 minutes before he ever laid eyes on me, since our bus dropped kids off and further descended down the hill to drop off the smallest kids at tot camp.  Yet there he was...the new guy, looking lost in a sea of excited elementary school kids, ready to play for the next 8 hours.  I watched him while the kids filed off the bus, looking around, having no clue that I spied him from a few hundred feet away.  I don't know why I remember that moment so clearly...maybe it's just coincidence, maybe some part of me knew, but I'll never forget it.  When I finally made my way up the hill to introduce myself, I had no clue the course of events I was setting in motion.  While nothing happened for a couple of months (aside from some innocent flirting and lots of phone conversations), by mid September we were officially a couple.

The last 14 years have been among the best, the worst, the most amazing and scariest of my life.  We had ups, downs, ins and outs, but through it all, we knew we wanted to spend our lives together, and I shudder to think what my life might be like if I hadn't been on the bus that day. What if he had decided not to work there?  What if I'd taken that week off for vacation?  Maybe we would have met the next day, but maybe it all would have happened differently.  Sure, maybe I'd be rich and successful and any number of things...but I wouldn't have him...and I wouldn't have you.

After 11 years together, you took our world by storm on December 13, 2009.  If we thought we knew love before that day, we were wrong...we had no clue how much we could love another person until you made us a family.  Watching you grow into the beautiful little person you've become has been an absolute privilege.  I really can't express in words how proud I am of you, to be your Mommy, to get to be a witness to all that you do.  You are so beautiful, and so full of life and gumption, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that you came from me.  As you're only 2.5, you haven't had many (or maybe any) defining life moments yet...but you're about to have one.

For the last 2.5 years, you and I have had nothing but time.  Time to play, time to snuggle, time to learn and grow together; we've had lots of little adventures, you and I.  You've taught me what it takes to be a parent, and inspired me to to always try to be the best version of myself; I want you to be as proud of me as your Mother as I am proud of you as my daughter.  It's because of you, and how wonderful you are, that we decided to expand our family.  You brought so much love into our lives, we thought that giving you a sibling would only bring more.  Now that it's getting so close, we are so unbelievably excited to meet your little brother; but part of me feels so sad that our time alone is coming to a close.  I just want you to know how much I've loved this time together, just us; and to thank you, in case I forget later, for everything you've given us since you arrived.  Thank you for showing us how one little smile can light up our lives, that there's more important things than work or money, and that just when you think you can't love any more, you can.

In the next 3 weeks, if we're lucky and all goes well, a lot is going to change for us.  We'll love and welcome another person into our family, and you'll have that defining moment I was talking about. The course of things are going to be a little different for you now with a little sibling around.  While we won't be able to travel as freely or have as much extra time for just us, I really think you're going to like your new role as big sister.  I really don't know what is in store for you, I've never been a big sister, but I think you'll handle it just fine.

As for me, as we're about to have another big event in our lives together, it's hard for me not to flash back to that moment in 1998 when I saw Daddy the first time.  I'll be forever grateful I got on that bus to work that day...the bus ride that changed my life.  While all of my defining moments haven't been as wonderful, I can only hope for you that one day, you leave your house, and without you knowing, your life changes in an amazing, unbelievable way.

We love you SO so much little girl...more than I could ever say.

Love forever and always,

Mommy

Fathers, be good to your daughters

Last Sunday was Father's day, and as such, I tried my best to show my hubs my massive amounts of appreciation for his being a rock-star Dad.  Of course, I try to do this all the time (I believe that if you're only good to your spouses on holidays and birthdays, you probably need some relationship re-tooling), but since it was a holiday, I did try to spoil him (as best a 33 week pregnant, waddley woman, can).  I spent the morning whipping up challah french toast and bacon (a fan favorite in our house), and spent the afternoon at the track with the in-laws.  While I'm sure this conjures up some picture of bored kids while Dad cheers on horses with a cigar in his mouth, rest assured the track here is beyond family friendly with playgrounds, face painting, pony rides, and bounce houses...and my husband doesn't smoke cigars ;)  I also went in cahoots with MILly to coordinate a golf weekend getaway for FIL and the hubs later in the fall in the hopes that he'd enjoy the mini-break from work and the hectic-ness that will (likely) come with two kids;  or, at the very least, catch up on some sleep.

I know I often mention what a great dad I think the hubs is, but in all seriousness, he really is a terrific father.  While I could always say something like, "there's so many deadbeats out there and he's not one," I think the comparison is insulting.   He's not trying to not be a deadbeat, and frankly, it isn't him to be a deadbeat (at being a father or anything else in life).  He's just being him...a good guy, good husband, good daddy.  My appreciation for his efforts have little to do with the fact that there seems to be an increase of absentee fathers, but more because I didn't have such a great relationship with my own dad.

I've thought a lot lately about how my life might have been different had my relationship been different with my father.  My daughter has a lot of my childhood personality in her...she's pushy, she's vivacious, she's extremely strong willed and very energetic (sleep is a 4 letter word to this kid).  I was met with a lot of anger and frustration on my father's part...he couldn't quite handle me, and said a lot of terrible things (I can only hope he regretted them, since "I'm sorry" were not words that were big in his vocabulary).  Sure, kids are resilient, they can rebound from tough situations, but when it comes to their parents, they'll never forget.  I've written a lot about how I forgive my dad for the things he said and did over the years, but I'll always remember being a pint sized 6 year old being told he wished I'd never been born.  I'll never forget being told that if he and my mom divorced, it'd be my fault (and being me, I wished it were true, since it meant he'd be moving out...), and I'll always feel sad for the little nug that I was, being constantly thrust into the middle of my parent's marital spouts.  When I didn't agree with my dad (which was pretty much always), the put downs were inevitable.  Somehow, he never quite bullied me into submission, but I eventually lost the confidence I exuded as a child; convinced no one liked me (who could, if my own father didn't?), feeling low, it took me a very long time to learn to be "me" again.  And even now, I struggle with it.

A girl's relationship with her father is paramount in her life. While every girl who isn't loved by her father isn't destined to work a pole (obviously), there have been recent studies that even links horseplay with fathers to a girl's confidence through her life.  To be truthful, I didn't quite realize how important it was until I had my own daughter.  I always knew I was missing out in the Daddy/daughter relationship arena; I envied girls who had dads who doted on them, who encouraged them to do better in life than they had, who enjoyed them.  I never quite grasped what a difference it could make on a girl's life to have that connection; but once I saw my daughter's face light up at the sight of her father, it clicked.  He'll be the first man in her life to show her how a man should treat a woman.  He'll demonstrate not only how she should be treated, but how they should conduct themselves.  He'll be the first man to tell her he loves her, kiss her tears away, and support and encourage her through any of her endeavors.  That's why I'm so grateful my daughter has my husband for a father; not because he's such a great daddy (although he is), but because he's so much more.  He's a great husband- the kind who is my best friend.  The kind where it feels weird to not talk to him a hundred times a day about anything and everything, who let's me know he appreciates me as much as I do, him.  He's a hard worker, he's close with his family, he holds doors for strangers every.single.time he walks in or out of a building, and he's smart, to boot (brains are kind of my "thing").  

As far as good examples go, my daughter has it made.  I could be jealous, I suppose, but the truth is, while it's not the same relationship, he was the first to do all those things for me, too.  I guess you could say she and I both got pretty lucky.  That's not to say that all my issues magically disappeared because I lucked out with a great husband; but that fact alone goes to show that even in the best of outcomes, lacking a good father figure could affect you for life.  That's why I would urge any man out there to not stop at being a good father, but being a good person.  No one is perfect; we all have our moments where we lose our cool, but remember this: while they may forgive you for things you say and do in the heat of anger or frustration, they probably won't ever forget.  I know I never did.