It's been almost 4 months (!!!!) since I've had a chance to write, and over two years since I've gotten a chance to write about things I used to like to write about (you know, life BTM- before brain tumor). I've missed writing about fluff...silly parenting anecdotes, personal challenges, and "normal" daily life things. The last two years have been a trip, to say the least. It's been a "process." It's kind of felt like a lot of shoes dropping...every time we'd get back to standing, something would make our knees buckle or fall over altogether. In the mean time, I took a much necessary hiatus from writing. While writing is usually the thing that helps me most, rehashing the negative felt counterproductive. Instead of writing about the past, I needed to learn to live again in the present. I had to...for myself...for my kids...for any one of us to have happiness, I had to stop looking over my shoulder. It hasn't been an easy process-little set backs can send me spiraling, but for the most part, we're doing pretty great. And last week, out of nowhere, the urge to write resurfaced...except I didn't want to rehash any of the crappy stuff. I wanted to write about life again...parenting struggles, recipes, home decor, weight problems, clothes...you name it! I can't say I'll never write about the serious again...after all, I can't control life...but I think for a while, I'll stick to the daily living part ;)
The blog page will be under construction for a little while...I haven't updated my banner since before Ben was born, and since he started preschool last week, I think it needs a new look! See ya soon!!
It's a living thing...
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Weird Dreams and Silver Linings
So I had this dream last night...my in-laws, Kenny and I took the kids to Disney World for a long weekend. The kids stayed with Kenny's parent's in their room, and he and I got up before the sun to go to the park early. We rode the monorail, and I remember looking at the empty pools, lake sides, and benches around the seemingly deserted resorts. When we arrived at the park, it was apparent it was going to start raining soon. I remember thinking we should have brought ponchos, because we were only getting to be there for a couple of days, so rain wasn't going to keep us from the magic of Disney World. Then, the sunrise got dark. The wind picked up. I overheard a park worker saying that since the sky was so dark they were going to have fireworks. Making lemonade out of lemons, I suppose. The fireworks began and I started taking pictures, thinking I would show the kids when they got to the park. Just then my in-laws arrived. The kids were still asleep with Aunt Alyssa, and I thought, oh good, they're getting some extra sleep so they can have energy to last the day at the park! It was around this time that I woke up.
Anyone who knows me, personally, knows we've had a crazy year so far. Almost two years after being diagnosed, it finally sank in that Kenny's brain tumor isn't something that's going to go away. Being so focused on surgery, recovery, and the aftermath, we never let ourselves get too far ahead. This last MRI, while still terrific, gave us a heavy dose of reality. The radiologist thought she might have seen ("thought" and "might" being the operative words), some subtle growth (the neurologist, however, says he compared MRI's as far back as December of 2012, and he sees no change...I believe the word he used of the radiologist's report was "dubious"). He said to us, as nonchalantly as though he were telling us it might rain today, that it's always a possibility, with there still being 10% of the tumor being left in, that it will continue to grow. It's not cancerous, and would need to grow a lot more for it to cause any more problems. That's why we do the MRI's. In his words "We might have to deal with again sometime in the future, but that time is not now." Those are all things they've told us all along...just things we never let ourselves think about. A few hours, a serious conversation, and a couple of drinks later, Kenny and I digested this information and realized we still got it good. He's still healthy. It's still not really growing. And this thing isn't going to be the thing that takes him when he's 95 and sipping ensure out of a whisky tumbler.
We had a lot of hopes pinned onto 2014. The smallest (and biggest) of all, would be for it to be a quiet one. Well we know how these things go...we don't get a choice if/when things happen. It's been a doozy so far. Aside from the above, it's been a whirlwind. It's no shock that, after years of resisting doing so, I finally caved and started taking anxiety meds. Best.Decision.Ever. While it would have been lovely to "power through" (yet again), it was seriously shaking my ability to function properly. Hand wringing, pacing, obsessively checking myself for lumps, bumps, and skin lesions, I knew it was time. I still have moments...our plate is a little full at the moment, but overall, I'm able to think much more clearly. I'm able to feel confident that the people we love are in good hands, and will be okay. I'm able to get up each day and keep my kids' lives intact. I can't say it will always be that way, but every day that I can do that feels like a big check mark in the "win" column for me.
Which brings me back to my dream. One of the side effects of the medicine is "weird" dreams. What I'm finding, however, is that my dreams are much more indicative of how I'm feeling. A few nights ago, I dreamt I had a "knock down, drag out" fight with an old friend who disappeared after my kids were born. Never even reached out when she knew everything was going on with Kenny, or when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been mad about it for years. While the fight will never happen in real life, I did get some bizarre closure by having it out in my REM cycle. And last night...I think that my dreams were saying that even my subconscious can see a silver lining. That my kids are young enough to not totally understand what's going on, that Kenny and I are in this together, and that sometimes life gets dark and cloudy, but you can still see some beautiful fireworks.
Anyone who knows me, personally, knows we've had a crazy year so far. Almost two years after being diagnosed, it finally sank in that Kenny's brain tumor isn't something that's going to go away. Being so focused on surgery, recovery, and the aftermath, we never let ourselves get too far ahead. This last MRI, while still terrific, gave us a heavy dose of reality. The radiologist thought she might have seen ("thought" and "might" being the operative words), some subtle growth (the neurologist, however, says he compared MRI's as far back as December of 2012, and he sees no change...I believe the word he used of the radiologist's report was "dubious"). He said to us, as nonchalantly as though he were telling us it might rain today, that it's always a possibility, with there still being 10% of the tumor being left in, that it will continue to grow. It's not cancerous, and would need to grow a lot more for it to cause any more problems. That's why we do the MRI's. In his words "We might have to deal with again sometime in the future, but that time is not now." Those are all things they've told us all along...just things we never let ourselves think about. A few hours, a serious conversation, and a couple of drinks later, Kenny and I digested this information and realized we still got it good. He's still healthy. It's still not really growing. And this thing isn't going to be the thing that takes him when he's 95 and sipping ensure out of a whisky tumbler.
We had a lot of hopes pinned onto 2014. The smallest (and biggest) of all, would be for it to be a quiet one. Well we know how these things go...we don't get a choice if/when things happen. It's been a doozy so far. Aside from the above, it's been a whirlwind. It's no shock that, after years of resisting doing so, I finally caved and started taking anxiety meds. Best.Decision.Ever. While it would have been lovely to "power through" (yet again), it was seriously shaking my ability to function properly. Hand wringing, pacing, obsessively checking myself for lumps, bumps, and skin lesions, I knew it was time. I still have moments...our plate is a little full at the moment, but overall, I'm able to think much more clearly. I'm able to feel confident that the people we love are in good hands, and will be okay. I'm able to get up each day and keep my kids' lives intact. I can't say it will always be that way, but every day that I can do that feels like a big check mark in the "win" column for me.
Which brings me back to my dream. One of the side effects of the medicine is "weird" dreams. What I'm finding, however, is that my dreams are much more indicative of how I'm feeling. A few nights ago, I dreamt I had a "knock down, drag out" fight with an old friend who disappeared after my kids were born. Never even reached out when she knew everything was going on with Kenny, or when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been mad about it for years. While the fight will never happen in real life, I did get some bizarre closure by having it out in my REM cycle. And last night...I think that my dreams were saying that even my subconscious can see a silver lining. That my kids are young enough to not totally understand what's going on, that Kenny and I are in this together, and that sometimes life gets dark and cloudy, but you can still see some beautiful fireworks.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Random Bummer of the Day
I know I've mentioned once or twice (or a MILLION times) that my favorite movie ever is Just One of the Guys. I love, and I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. I've always loved the fashion in the movie, even when it wasn't cool (so say, 1990 until last year). It dawned on me today that the clothes in the movie could certainly pass for cool outfits today (side note: am I totally dating myself by saying the words "cool outfit?"). There is this one scene where the main character (Terry) wears this amazing white leather outfit...I was nuts about from the first time I saw it. It was so girly, and when I was little, had this "wow" factor I couldn't explain. Of course, by the time I was actually old enough to wear such an outfit, I would have been laughed out of my baggy Jenko jean, Simple/Van sneaker wearing high school. Not to mention I was super overweight so I would probably have looked like a stuffed sausage, but that's neither here nor there. And now...now that its 2014 and pretty much ANYthing goes fashion wise...I'm too old and too flabby (post two pregnancies) to pull off this adorable getup. There you have it- my random bummer of the day. ::Sigh::
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Hello, 2014!
New Year's Eve was no different than any other night in our house. We didn't put on hats or blow horns. We didn't stay up late or watch the ball drop. But whether or not we acknowledged it, while we were off in dream land, 11:59 pm became 12:00 am, and 2013 handed her torch to a newborn 2014. We might sound like New Years scrooges to some people. I mean, isn't it always fun to stay up late, sip champagne (or apple cider) and dress up? Well, yeah, it is; and many other years I've done just that, but this year just felt different.
The end of 2012 was a cathartic and symbolic experience. Kenny was a couple of months post op from his neurosurgery, we'd just moved home from his parent's house a few weeks before, and exhausted from the year we'd had, we still had no clue what the year to come had in store. Those first months of 2013 were hard. Really hard. They are a blur of worry to me. By Spring we were coming out of the fog and packing our bags for Disney World. When I say that week was just what the doctor ordered, it's an understatement (in fact, Kenny's neurologist at Sloan told him to go ahead and get scared and sick on throw up rides!). As hokey as it sounds, that place really is magical. One week recharged us. It reminded us how to laugh, how to enjoy watching our kids play, and that life needed begin moving forward again. Not long after we got home, we made the HUGE (if not insanely impulsive) decision to put our house on the market.
Two and a half months of scrubbing, vacuuming, and running around like a loon, and the house we'd spent 6 years calling home officially belonged to someone else. We'd spent most of that time looking at homes up in Cranford- about 20 minutes away. We scoured high and low, and found nothing that felt like home to us. Giving our area one more chance, we found our house. We visited it two days in a row, and bid on day 3. While it's only been 3 months, it feels like a lifetime ago. Our new house still has a lot of work to be done, but it feels like it's ours even without it. It was vacant for a year before we bought it (it was damaged during Sandy, and was fixed by a "flipper"), and sometimes I like to think it was just waiting for us to stroll through it's doors. The neighborhood is better than we could have imagined. Little things we didn't appreciate when we bought the house- like that it's a decent sized development, but there's only one street that enters/exits (and we are all the way in the very quiet back end). We had no way of knowing that we'd be literally surrounded by homes filled with kids the same ages as our kids, or that there is an HOA that hosts all sorts of family parties throughout the year.
I'll be honest- I've had a lot of "I miss our old house" moments. We'd spent so much time, money and effort into updating that house and making it our own. I still miss the open kitchen, the fireplace, and little nuances that made it home- like the water stain on the kitchen island. I spent hours of my life trying to scrub out that damn circle, and when I finally accepted defeat, it became one of those little things that made our house our home. I realize it's going to take time for things like that to happen in a new space...places don't feel like home overnight, or sometimes even in a few months. But on a spring like winter day a few weeks ago, when my kids got to ride bikes around the neighborhood and got to play with the neighbors on their "playground" in the back yard, all without having to set foot in the car, I knew we'd made the right decision. With every ding in the wall my kids make with their scooter, or with every new memory we make, the house will feel like home. So on New Year's eve, after having "a year"- it seemed only fitting that we got one of the best nights of rest we'd probably had in all of 2013. Our kids were both asleep by 7:30. I'm pretty sure we were both out by 9:30, and I woke up at 11:53. I thought about turning on the TV to watch the world ring in 2014- but knowing my kids were snuggled up tight and the husband was resting well next to me was all the celebration I needed. So instead I rolled over and woke up in a new year.
I have no clue what the year will bring, but unlike previous years, I'm making no attempts at guessing. My only goals for the year are balance and acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what my limits are, and what my relationships are. I'm never going to change anyone else, I can only change myself or who I surround myself with. To accept that, some days, I'm not going to be a perfect mom, or even a great one; but that some days I'm going to be tired, and Tangled will be on "replay," and some days I will throw a cheeseburger at them instead of making them an assortment of lean meat and vegetables. To accept that some people are just not going to like me, but that is no reason to not be who I am- pretending otherwise hasn't made them like me any more or less. I want my life to feel balanced. I have a tendency to throw myself full throttle into one direction; but this year I'd love to make sure I make time for everything...a little bit of work, a little bit of play, some time for the things I enjoy (like writing and exercising), to see friends that I miss terribly, and for the hubs and I to catch up. Not very exciting as far as resolutions go, but if you ask me, I've had plenty of excitement to go around. I'm ready for some zen. Happy New Year! I hope everyone achieves whatever their hearts desire in 2014.
I'll be honest- I've had a lot of "I miss our old house" moments. We'd spent so much time, money and effort into updating that house and making it our own. I still miss the open kitchen, the fireplace, and little nuances that made it home- like the water stain on the kitchen island. I spent hours of my life trying to scrub out that damn circle, and when I finally accepted defeat, it became one of those little things that made our house our home. I realize it's going to take time for things like that to happen in a new space...places don't feel like home overnight, or sometimes even in a few months. But on a spring like winter day a few weeks ago, when my kids got to ride bikes around the neighborhood and got to play with the neighbors on their "playground" in the back yard, all without having to set foot in the car, I knew we'd made the right decision. With every ding in the wall my kids make with their scooter, or with every new memory we make, the house will feel like home. So on New Year's eve, after having "a year"- it seemed only fitting that we got one of the best nights of rest we'd probably had in all of 2013. Our kids were both asleep by 7:30. I'm pretty sure we were both out by 9:30, and I woke up at 11:53. I thought about turning on the TV to watch the world ring in 2014- but knowing my kids were snuggled up tight and the husband was resting well next to me was all the celebration I needed. So instead I rolled over and woke up in a new year.
I have no clue what the year will bring, but unlike previous years, I'm making no attempts at guessing. My only goals for the year are balance and acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what my limits are, and what my relationships are. I'm never going to change anyone else, I can only change myself or who I surround myself with. To accept that, some days, I'm not going to be a perfect mom, or even a great one; but that some days I'm going to be tired, and Tangled will be on "replay," and some days I will throw a cheeseburger at them instead of making them an assortment of lean meat and vegetables. To accept that some people are just not going to like me, but that is no reason to not be who I am- pretending otherwise hasn't made them like me any more or less. I want my life to feel balanced. I have a tendency to throw myself full throttle into one direction; but this year I'd love to make sure I make time for everything...a little bit of work, a little bit of play, some time for the things I enjoy (like writing and exercising), to see friends that I miss terribly, and for the hubs and I to catch up. Not very exciting as far as resolutions go, but if you ask me, I've had plenty of excitement to go around. I'm ready for some zen. Happy New Year! I hope everyone achieves whatever their hearts desire in 2014.
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