Wah wah wahhhh...battling the "winter blues"

Hello and happy weekend!  I'm trying my best to be in a good mood today.  I have to admit, I've been struggling with post-holiday winter blues; and my kids are both sick every other day and there are crazy people out there trying to kill everyone, blues (but seriously, the cold weather and lack of sun aren't helping).  I'm someone who would be a good candidate to move to a warmer climate (for serious), because I become terribly depressed in the winter here in blustery NJ.  It's true, I've had a lot go on since August of last year (and it hasn't slowed much, but morphed into an every day kind of panic instead of a "focused on one event" kind of panic), but this really does happen to me every year (small children and brain tumors aside).  Between the crazies and the widespread flu going on, it's truly a wonder I ever leave the house...it's so bad that when I drop Cam at school, I get a pit in my stomach that doesn't ease until I pick her up and see that she's safe.  Sad but true, this is the world I'm raising my babies in.

However, I have to say, I'm beyond sick of feeling like a Debbie Downer.  Usually, I let myself walk around with the proverbial "wah wah wahhhhh" bubble over my head until Spring, and then get to being my chipper self again; but this year, after everything, the last thing I want to feel is down (if I can help it).  It's hard enough, since I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time (it's getting better, but I'd still love to find some time in my schedule to do things like go to the gym or join a yoga class on a regular basis), but I'm determined.  Why now?  Well, there's the obvious (duh), and then there's that I've noticed my blah attitude rubbing off on my little girl.  My anxiety/ocd has her terrified of germs (both receiving them and giving them to her friends), and that's something I really didn't want to happen.  When I started therapy (when Cam was Ben's age, 6 months old), the hubby and I discussed how I needed to get better because I didn't want this kind of thing rubbing off on her when she was old enough to notice.  Well, that time has arrived.  And I've made my little girl a worry wart.  The problem being I don't know if she's innately anxious (like me), or if I made her that way, or if it's somewhere in between.  She's obsessed with an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba that talks about germs, and plays a scene over and over where little ugly germs sing about making kids sick.  I'm not really sure what to do with this, now- I've tried toning back my germ talk.  I've tried fibbing (although every other parenting story says not to fib to your kids), and telling her "other" reasons we shouldn't put our hands in our mouths all the time or shouldn't pick our noses and touch our friends...but I think the damage is done (at least for this winter).  I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that spring comes sooner than later and I can undo some it (and somehow divert her from that episode of YGG...).

As for my own self, that might be more of a battle.  I get irrationally angry at other people for not being more "responsible" (I put that in quotes since I know I might be bordering on unreasonable about it).  They send their kids to school sick (like fever and green snot and exhausted sick).  They don't use hygiene let alone teach their kids to wash their hands.  They go out in public (when they don't need to) when they have the flu.  I could go on (and on...and on...) but I won't.  There was a mom at one of Cam's dance classes who was letting her 10 month old chew on her older daughter's sneaker (her very, very dirty, been walking on the ground for like 5 months sneaker).  I know I can be extreme in the other direction but jeeze.  But I have to try to tone it back...if not for my own sanity, for the sanity of my kids.

In the mean time, making me less anxious and a bit happier is one of the steps to helping her feel less anxious and happier.  I am going to continue to try to find blocks of time to find things I enjoy (and that I found meditative, like working out), but for now, I'm going to have to settle for five minute strips to enjoy the little things.  A hot cup of coffee, my favorite song on the radio, getting to see my kids play together...all the wonderful little things that make the effort worth it.  Hopefully, some extra smiles and talking more about nail polish colors (I just painted her nails this morning- it should last a good 3 hours...) and less about the flu will have her singing about more about sunshine and wheels on the bus than tiny, ugly germs. Wish us luck!

I'm baaaaaack! New Year and a "motherlode" of goals!

It's been 3 (yes, THREE!) months since Kenny's successful awake craniotomy, but I have to say, it feels much longer.  We settled into family life much faster than I had anticipated, and while sometimes I worry that I've lulled myself into a false sense of security, it's a risk I'm willing to take for the time being.  What else can I do?  My constant worry about every.little.thing. isn't doing anyone any good anyhow.  So, instead, I've refocused my efforts into getting our act together in 2013 (which mostly revolves around my kids). 

So about two years ago, when I was gearing up to turn 30 (::sigh::, when I was a still spry 29 year old), I started this blog because I wanted to challenge myself to try new things.  Cam was a little more than a year old, and she, and life, were generally easy.  I tried new recipes, new drinks, went new places and did my best to adhere to "the list."  I didn't complete it, but I enjoyed the "challenge" and feeling of accomplishment of some personal goals.  At the time, Cam's needs were simple.  She needed love, and snuggles, and some attention.  Flash forward two years, and obviously things are different now- not only because life has become a bit more complicated, but because we have a second child, too.  I don't have time to make 25 ingredient meals or spend hours every day at the gym. I wish I remembered what it was like to go to the movies or even have time (at this point) to take an extra long shower by myself.  I guess my point is that two years ago, I had the luxury of my personal goals being, well, personal.  

Today?  My biggest goals are all mom related (or really, kid related).  Not only has Cam hit the terrible 3's with hurricane force, she's had a really tough 6 months, something we only realized recently.  In July, our little trio lived a happy-go-lucky, easy existence.  We had, earlier in the year, moved her from our room (she slept with us the bulk of her life) and I had weaned her from extended nursing (which I've talked about before).  It was tough (or at least it felt tough at the time), but she handled it with gusto.  By the second week of August she had a baby brother and slept on a pullout couch at Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Kenny and I were constantly disappearing for doctor  appointments, and then he was gone (from her world) for the better part of two weeks, where he came home with a big "boo boo" on his head.  Of course, when all was well, we moved back home, where she finally felt the effects of being a big sister (since there were no longer 5 adults around all the time).

I know things could have been worse (by far).  I know we are incredibly lucky and fortunate and every adjective possible that means "Thank the effing God(s?) above my husband is mostly tumor free and had a rock star recovery."  But my girl got lost in the shuffle of getting Ken to where he is now, and now it's her time to get back on track (well, everyone's, but at the moment, she needs the most attention).  We did a lot of overcompensating.  A lot of TV watching and fruit snacks were had to appease the daughter who we felt we neglected for 3 months, and we created a monster.  An angry, clingy, non sleeping monster.  I realized at the very tail end of the year that spoiling her was doing no good; not for us and most definitely not for her.  That's when we decided 2013 is the year we try our damnedest to get ourselves together. Our end goals are simple...health and happiness.  We always say that, don't we?  We wish ourselves and everyone a healthy and happy new year?  Well, we are putting our money where our mouths are.  

Sounds easy, right?  Yeah...ok.  That's why I'm throwing down the gauntlet (ie. challenging myself to these tasks on my blog so I am shamed into following through).  I'll break it down for you: I want my kids happy.  I want them healthy.  I want me healthy, happy and getting enough "me" time that I don't cringe when I hear Ben stirring or Cam calling for me when I'm two sips into my morning cup of coffee.  I want Kenny healthy, and into the best work/life balance possible.  I want time with friends, time with our kids, time alone and time to get back to life.  We need gym time, playground time, nap time, book time and snuggle time. Things aren't going to be what they used to be, but they can still be great.  Obviously this is going to take a lot of baby steps...

To start, we began using a sticker board of every day accomplishments we'd like Cam to achieve, like sleeping by herself, not having accidents in her underwear (she often will wait so long she goes a tiny drop and then tells us she has to go), cleaning up her toys, eating her fruits and vegetables, and not throwing tantrums.  The first week felt hopeless, but finally it sank in (and seems to be working at least for a few of the things).  We have cut out unnecessary sugar (she was none too happy about the lack of fruit snacks and Gerber snacks), amped up her fruit and veggie intake, reduced her TV time (like by A LOT), and are upping our efforts to get her outside to play more.  It's only been a few weeks, but we can see a huge difference in her attitude already.  Thank God...it was getting hairy there for a bit.  As for Ben, luckily his needs are still pretty minimal.  He's still sleeping in our room (the APA recommends babies sleep in the same room as their parents until 6 months of age, I know most people don't really go that long but he's not really interrupting anyone's sleep so we're fine with this), but I do plan to move him to his room in the coming months (something that didn't happen with Cam until she was almost 2.5).  

As for Ken and I- he's began what will likely be his work schedule for the foreseeable future (commuting 2 days a week and working from home 3).  He's still navigating how to be at his most effective for work while he's at home (I've mentioned before how he genuinely enjoys work and his job, so he really strives to do well- always looking for ways to improve himself); but he says he thinks he's getting there.  We've made our bedroom his office; inclusive of a desk facing the window and a new computer on it's way (something about needing a giant monitor so he can have multiple applications open at once...I'm usually doing something domestic like wrangling wiggly kids into their clothes when he's explaining such things).  I keep the kids mostly out of his way for the bulk of the day (with the exception of when I need to get dressed), and he enjoys that he gets enough rest and can work late without having to still commute 90+ minutes afterward.  The days he goes in are like a treat- since no cars are necessary to get around in NY he feels some independence and gets to be amongst co-worker (ahem, adults- I'd be lying if I said I wasn't moderately jealous on that point...).  We are trying to plan some nights out (and one away) so we can start getting time alone to talk about things other than who pooped, who ate, and who bathed (the kids, not us, get your heads out of the gutter).  

I, personally, am still pretty much at square 1.  Other than a new obsession with Gossip Girl, that Kenny and I watch on Netflix most nights after the kids have gone down, I don't have much (if any) time alone to do things like exercise; but I AM eating better (I actually have all 3 of us solid food eating Courtneys' on an immune boosting diet of lean meats and lots of fruits and veggies).  I'll get there, but it's all par for the course with everything.  I'm (obviously) trying to find some time to write, but with Kenny still using the family computer most days, until the new work computer arrives I'll settle for whenever I can get.  Since I'm fairly certain the gym and I will remain merely acquaintances for the coming few months (until cold and flu season is mostly over and I feel okay putting Ben in their daycare), I'm focusing my personal goals on getting our house/schedules organized and in-sync.  By the end of February, I'd like my house to be a well oiled machine.  Right now, disaster area is an understatement- but with a little elbow grease and a lot of purging, I think 2 months is a good end goal for getting it looking better and feeling easier to stay on top of.  (PS- have I mentioned how ecstatic I am to be talking about normal things???  I could squeal....seriously).  I hope to check in again soon! 

You know you love me. XOXO,

Gossip Girl. (Sorry, I couldn't help myself!)