So I had this dream last night...my in-laws, Kenny and I took the kids to Disney World for a long weekend. The kids stayed with Kenny's parent's in their room, and he and I got up before the sun to go to the park early. We rode the monorail, and I remember looking at the empty pools, lake sides, and benches around the seemingly deserted resorts. When we arrived at the park, it was apparent it was going to start raining soon. I remember thinking we should have brought ponchos, because we were only getting to be there for a couple of days, so rain wasn't going to keep us from the magic of Disney World. Then, the sunrise got dark. The wind picked up. I overheard a park worker saying that since the sky was so dark they were going to have fireworks. Making lemonade out of lemons, I suppose. The fireworks began and I started taking pictures, thinking I would show the kids when they got to the park. Just then my in-laws arrived. The kids were still asleep with Aunt Alyssa, and I thought, oh good, they're getting some extra sleep so they can have energy to last the day at the park! It was around this time that I woke up.
Anyone who knows me, personally, knows we've had a crazy year so far. Almost two years after being diagnosed, it finally sank in that Kenny's brain tumor isn't something that's going to go away. Being so focused on surgery, recovery, and the aftermath, we never let ourselves get too far ahead. This last MRI, while still terrific, gave us a heavy dose of reality. The radiologist thought she might have seen ("thought" and "might" being the operative words), some subtle growth (the neurologist, however, says he compared MRI's as far back as December of 2012, and he sees no change...I believe the word he used of the radiologist's report was "dubious"). He said to us, as nonchalantly as though he were telling us it might rain today, that it's always a possibility, with there still being 10% of the tumor being left in, that it will continue to grow. It's not cancerous, and would need to grow a lot more for it to cause any more problems. That's why we do the MRI's. In his words "We might have to deal with again sometime in the future, but that time is not now." Those are all things they've told us all along...just things we never let ourselves think about. A few hours, a serious conversation, and a couple of drinks later, Kenny and I digested this information and realized we still got it good. He's still healthy. It's still not really growing. And this thing isn't going to be the thing that takes him when he's 95 and sipping ensure out of a whisky tumbler.
We had a lot of hopes pinned onto 2014. The smallest (and biggest) of all, would be for it to be a quiet one. Well we know how these things go...we don't get a choice if/when things happen. It's been a doozy so far. Aside from the above, it's been a whirlwind. It's no shock that, after years of resisting doing so, I finally caved and started taking anxiety meds. Best.Decision.Ever. While it would have been lovely to "power through" (yet again), it was seriously shaking my ability to function properly. Hand wringing, pacing, obsessively checking myself for lumps, bumps, and skin lesions, I knew it was time. I still have moments...our plate is a little full at the moment, but overall, I'm able to think much more clearly. I'm able to feel confident that the people we love are in good hands, and will be okay. I'm able to get up each day and keep my kids' lives intact. I can't say it will always be that way, but every day that I can do that feels like a big check mark in the "win" column for me.
Which brings me back to my dream. One of the side effects of the medicine is "weird" dreams. What I'm finding, however, is that my dreams are much more indicative of how I'm feeling. A few nights ago, I dreamt I had a "knock down, drag out" fight with an old friend who disappeared after my kids were born. Never even reached out when she knew everything was going on with Kenny, or when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I've been mad about it for years. While the fight will never happen in real life, I did get some bizarre closure by having it out in my REM cycle. And last night...I think that my dreams were saying that even my subconscious can see a silver lining. That my kids are young enough to not totally understand what's going on, that Kenny and I are in this together, and that sometimes life gets dark and cloudy, but you can still see some beautiful fireworks.
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