Of course, I spent the rest of the day glancing in the mirror- but that's besides the point (my face is so NOT bloated...but I digress...again). My point is, there seems to be a host of people out there that assume just because women might be ecstatic to be pregnant, that they're overjoyed to have bulging bellies and newly inflated JLo booties. I'm sure there are women who are okay with it, but almost no one wants discussions about their body to include the words "huge," "beach ball," "whale" or the like. So with that, I've compiled a list of what should be common sense things NOT to say to a pregnant woman:
1) "Are you sure you don't have twins in there?"- Thank goodness this one hasn't happened to me....yet. However, it is THE number one complaint amongst pregnant women (with variations of hearing how huge they are...because we have no clue we have 30lb bumps on our stomachs- doh!). Alyson Hannigan (actress in How I Met Your Mother, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the American Pie movies) recently commented in an interview that people are asking herself that question so often that she's begun to ask the doctor herself to make sure there's only one. Listen people, we get it- our bellies are big; unless we tell you that we're having twins, keep the speculations to yourself.
2). "I didn't recognize you, your face looks so bloated"- I threw this one in for myself (okay, maybe it's a little bloated, but I AM recognizable!). In all seriousness, pregnancy causes a lot of changes to women- and not just their bellies. Some womens' noses get wider, some womens' lips get bigger, and yes, sometimes, womens' faces get full with all the hormones raging through our systems.
3). "You can use a face wash/lotion/anti acne cream for that..."- With all the extra hormones, sometimes women can get a case of pre-pubescent skin problems. Cue Emma Roberts with her line, "Breakouts? UGH!" Unfortunately, since anti-acne meds are pretty much off limits during pregnancy, there's not a ton that we can do if we do find ourselves with a case of pizza face. "Helpful" suggestions about acne products turn out to not be so helpful since we can't use them, so unless someone is actively complaining to you about it and you have a chemical free solution, it's probably best to leave it alone.
4). "My sister's best friend's cousin had a really bad labor/lost her baby/almost died in labor"- For some reason, people LOVE to tell pregnant women horror stories. They tell us about 7 day labors without pain medication, they tell us how they heard about someone who almost bled out on the delivery table, and the worst, they tell tragic tales of babies who didn't make it through L&D. I'm not sure why people feel the need to tell us these things- trust me when I say most of us are pretty nervous as it is; we are well aware of the potential complications of labor and we are already scared of anything happening to our babies. The worst part? Almost none of these things are anything we can actively prevent- so there is no helpful point to any of these stories (besides causing an expectant mother additional anxiety).
5). "Are you sure you want to eat/drink that?" - This is a big one! Pregnant women are given an insane amount of dietary restrictions. No alcohol, no caffeine, no hot dogs/bacon/cured meats, no lunch meats, no sushi, no soft cheese, no store bought salads (potato, macaroni, cole slaw, etc), no store bought hummus/dips/spreads, no soft serve ice cream/fro-yo, watch your fish intake, make sure your steak is char coaled, don't overdo it on the carbs, watch your sweets, watch your salt, and drink LOTS of water.
The truth is a lot of these are a bit extreme, and most of us indulge from time to time in some of the less risky of the above. I've done extensive research and happen to know that a cup of coffee a day isn't going to hurt the little man (and might save my sanity). I also happen to know if I take a sip of my husband's beer, my child will not be born with FAS (in fact, women in Europe are not told not to drink, simply to cut back to one small portion of beer/wine a few times a week- I'm pretty sure not everyone in Europe has FAS...). The problem with worrying about Listeria is that it can literally be in anything- last year was one of the biggest listeriosis outbreaks ever, and do you know what it was in? Cantaloupe. Doctors aren't advising pregnant women against eating that, or any other fruit, and as the risk is generally pretty small, I think if you go to someplace you know cleans their soft serve machines regularly and keeps their food well refrigerated, you should be okay. Of course, I'm not saying anyone should do ANYTHING they aren't comfortable with (some women are still comfortable eating raw sushi from a reputable restaurant, but I happen to keep to the cooked stuff myself); but the next time you see a pregnant woman with a cup of coffee, don't ask her if it's decaf. And if you see her indulging in the occasional cup of fro-yo or hot dog, don't ask her if she's sure she wants to eat that...because trust me, she DOES.
6). "Are you going to get an epidural/going to go natural?"- Okay, this one is not so bad if you happen to be friends with the person you're asking (or know them well enough), but this is an unacceptable question to ask someone you don't know. My choice in how I push my kid out is really not your business unless I offer the information. I, personally, have no issue sharing, but plenty of women are uncertain of what lies ahead (if they're first time moms) or maybe wanted things to go a certain way the first time and find it frustrating to talk about (to relative strangers no less). So unless you know the person you're speaking to is comfortable talking about it, it's probably best to not ask.
7). "Were you trying to get pregnant?/Did you conceive naturally?"- Another inappropriate question to ask, well, anyone. Even if you're friends with someone, unless they offered up that they were taking fertility treatments, it's none of your business how they made their baby.
8). ANY mention of a previous loss (whether a woman is currently pregnant or not) - this one isn't exactly a question or advice, but this actually happened to me. Prior to my daughter, I had two early miscarriages; at my father's wake a well-meaning family member not only shared their condolences on the loss of my dad, but on the two miscarriages. I was floored- I was totally unaware that ANYONE knew of my losses (apparently my mom told an aunt who spread the word through the whole family...). While I'm (obviously) okay talking about it now, at the time it was very fresh in my mind (and heart) and was not prepared to talk about it. I thanked them for their kind words, but I'll never forget how I felt stabbed when they said it. Unless you hear it from someone themselves, please don't bring up someone's losses.
In all honesty, I don't think anyone MEANS to make pregnant women upset or uncomfortable (unless they don't like said woman, which is really a different issue); but I think people think they're helping or being complimentary (because we wanted to be pregnant, so we must be happy to be huge, right?). So the next time you're about to dish out unsolicited advice to going to "compliment" a woman by telling her she looks like a whale outside of water, just tell her she's got a nice glow about her and go about your day. Not only will you win points and brighten her day, but she'll probably share some of the brownies/cookies/candy she's got hidden in her desk drawer.
5). "Are you sure you want to eat/drink that?" - This is a big one! Pregnant women are given an insane amount of dietary restrictions. No alcohol, no caffeine, no hot dogs/bacon/cured meats, no lunch meats, no sushi, no soft cheese, no store bought salads (potato, macaroni, cole slaw, etc), no store bought hummus/dips/spreads, no soft serve ice cream/fro-yo, watch your fish intake, make sure your steak is char coaled, don't overdo it on the carbs, watch your sweets, watch your salt, and drink LOTS of water.
The truth is a lot of these are a bit extreme, and most of us indulge from time to time in some of the less risky of the above. I've done extensive research and happen to know that a cup of coffee a day isn't going to hurt the little man (and might save my sanity). I also happen to know if I take a sip of my husband's beer, my child will not be born with FAS (in fact, women in Europe are not told not to drink, simply to cut back to one small portion of beer/wine a few times a week- I'm pretty sure not everyone in Europe has FAS...). The problem with worrying about Listeria is that it can literally be in anything- last year was one of the biggest listeriosis outbreaks ever, and do you know what it was in? Cantaloupe. Doctors aren't advising pregnant women against eating that, or any other fruit, and as the risk is generally pretty small, I think if you go to someplace you know cleans their soft serve machines regularly and keeps their food well refrigerated, you should be okay. Of course, I'm not saying anyone should do ANYTHING they aren't comfortable with (some women are still comfortable eating raw sushi from a reputable restaurant, but I happen to keep to the cooked stuff myself); but the next time you see a pregnant woman with a cup of coffee, don't ask her if it's decaf. And if you see her indulging in the occasional cup of fro-yo or hot dog, don't ask her if she's sure she wants to eat that...because trust me, she DOES.
6). "Are you going to get an epidural/going to go natural?"- Okay, this one is not so bad if you happen to be friends with the person you're asking (or know them well enough), but this is an unacceptable question to ask someone you don't know. My choice in how I push my kid out is really not your business unless I offer the information. I, personally, have no issue sharing, but plenty of women are uncertain of what lies ahead (if they're first time moms) or maybe wanted things to go a certain way the first time and find it frustrating to talk about (to relative strangers no less). So unless you know the person you're speaking to is comfortable talking about it, it's probably best to not ask.
7). "Were you trying to get pregnant?/Did you conceive naturally?"- Another inappropriate question to ask, well, anyone. Even if you're friends with someone, unless they offered up that they were taking fertility treatments, it's none of your business how they made their baby.
8). ANY mention of a previous loss (whether a woman is currently pregnant or not) - this one isn't exactly a question or advice, but this actually happened to me. Prior to my daughter, I had two early miscarriages; at my father's wake a well-meaning family member not only shared their condolences on the loss of my dad, but on the two miscarriages. I was floored- I was totally unaware that ANYONE knew of my losses (apparently my mom told an aunt who spread the word through the whole family...). While I'm (obviously) okay talking about it now, at the time it was very fresh in my mind (and heart) and was not prepared to talk about it. I thanked them for their kind words, but I'll never forget how I felt stabbed when they said it. Unless you hear it from someone themselves, please don't bring up someone's losses.
In all honesty, I don't think anyone MEANS to make pregnant women upset or uncomfortable (unless they don't like said woman, which is really a different issue); but I think people think they're helping or being complimentary (because we wanted to be pregnant, so we must be happy to be huge, right?). So the next time you're about to dish out unsolicited advice to going to "compliment" a woman by telling her she looks like a whale outside of water, just tell her she's got a nice glow about her and go about your day. Not only will you win points and brighten her day, but she'll probably share some of the brownies/cookies/candy she's got hidden in her desk drawer.
I had a coworker tell me my face was "getting so fat!"... when I was pregnant with my first. How horrible do you have to be to say that to someone?
ReplyDeleteNow it's just my sister who says stupid crap about me being "fat" and not just pregnant this go round. I know she's kidding, but it's the most annoying thing ever. People don't stop to think that pregnant women are super sensitive about weight gain.