Hello and happy weekend! I'm trying my best to be in a good mood today. I have to admit, I've been struggling with post-holiday winter blues; and my kids are both sick every other day and there are crazy people out there trying to kill everyone, blues (but seriously, the cold weather and lack of sun aren't helping). I'm someone who would be a good candidate to move to a warmer climate (for serious), because I become terribly depressed in the winter here in blustery NJ. It's true, I've had a lot go on since August of last year (and it hasn't slowed much, but morphed into an every day kind of panic instead of a "focused on one event" kind of panic), but this really does happen to me every year (small children and brain tumors aside). Between the crazies and the widespread flu going on, it's truly a wonder I ever leave the house...it's so bad that when I drop Cam at school, I get a pit in my stomach that doesn't ease until I pick her up and see that she's safe. Sad but true, this is the world I'm raising my babies in.
However, I have to say, I'm beyond sick of feeling like a Debbie Downer. Usually, I let myself walk around with the proverbial "wah wah wahhhhh" bubble over my head until Spring, and then get to being my chipper self again; but this year, after everything, the last thing I want to feel is down (if I can help it). It's hard enough, since I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time (it's getting better, but I'd still love to find some time in my schedule to do things like go to the gym or join a yoga class on a regular basis), but I'm determined. Why now? Well, there's the obvious (duh), and then there's that I've noticed my blah attitude rubbing off on my little girl. My anxiety/ocd has her terrified of germs (both receiving them and giving them to her friends), and that's something I really didn't want to happen. When I started therapy (when Cam was Ben's age, 6 months old), the hubby and I discussed how I needed to get better because I didn't want this kind of thing rubbing off on her when she was old enough to notice. Well, that time has arrived. And I've made my little girl a worry wart. The problem being I don't know if she's innately anxious (like me), or if I made her that way, or if it's somewhere in between. She's obsessed with an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba that talks about germs, and plays a scene over and over where little ugly germs sing about making kids sick. I'm not really sure what to do with this, now- I've tried toning back my germ talk. I've tried fibbing (although every other parenting story says not to fib to your kids), and telling her "other" reasons we shouldn't put our hands in our mouths all the time or shouldn't pick our noses and touch our friends...but I think the damage is done (at least for this winter). I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that spring comes sooner than later and I can undo some it (and somehow divert her from that episode of YGG...).
As for my own self, that might be more of a battle. I get irrationally angry at other people for not being more "responsible" (I put that in quotes since I know I might be bordering on unreasonable about it). They send their kids to school sick (like fever and green snot and exhausted sick). They don't use hygiene let alone teach their kids to wash their hands. They go out in public (when they don't need to) when they have the flu. I could go on (and on...and on...) but I won't. There was a mom at one of Cam's dance classes who was letting her 10 month old chew on her older daughter's sneaker (her very, very dirty, been walking on the ground for like 5 months sneaker). I know I can be extreme in the other direction but jeeze. But I have to try to tone it back...if not for my own sanity, for the sanity of my kids.
In the mean time, making me less anxious and a bit happier is one of the steps to helping her feel less anxious and happier. I am going to continue to try to find blocks of time to find things I enjoy (and that I found meditative, like working out), but for now, I'm going to have to settle for five minute strips to enjoy the little things. A hot cup of coffee, my favorite song on the radio, getting to see my kids play together...all the wonderful little things that make the effort worth it. Hopefully, some extra smiles and talking more about nail polish colors (I just painted her nails this morning- it should last a good 3 hours...) and less about the flu will have her singing about more about sunshine and wheels on the bus than tiny, ugly germs. Wish us luck!
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