Fathers, be good to your daughters

Last Sunday was Father's day, and as such, I tried my best to show my hubs my massive amounts of appreciation for his being a rock-star Dad.  Of course, I try to do this all the time (I believe that if you're only good to your spouses on holidays and birthdays, you probably need some relationship re-tooling), but since it was a holiday, I did try to spoil him (as best a 33 week pregnant, waddley woman, can).  I spent the morning whipping up challah french toast and bacon (a fan favorite in our house), and spent the afternoon at the track with the in-laws.  While I'm sure this conjures up some picture of bored kids while Dad cheers on horses with a cigar in his mouth, rest assured the track here is beyond family friendly with playgrounds, face painting, pony rides, and bounce houses...and my husband doesn't smoke cigars ;)  I also went in cahoots with MILly to coordinate a golf weekend getaway for FIL and the hubs later in the fall in the hopes that he'd enjoy the mini-break from work and the hectic-ness that will (likely) come with two kids;  or, at the very least, catch up on some sleep.

I know I often mention what a great dad I think the hubs is, but in all seriousness, he really is a terrific father.  While I could always say something like, "there's so many deadbeats out there and he's not one," I think the comparison is insulting.   He's not trying to not be a deadbeat, and frankly, it isn't him to be a deadbeat (at being a father or anything else in life).  He's just being him...a good guy, good husband, good daddy.  My appreciation for his efforts have little to do with the fact that there seems to be an increase of absentee fathers, but more because I didn't have such a great relationship with my own dad.

I've thought a lot lately about how my life might have been different had my relationship been different with my father.  My daughter has a lot of my childhood personality in her...she's pushy, she's vivacious, she's extremely strong willed and very energetic (sleep is a 4 letter word to this kid).  I was met with a lot of anger and frustration on my father's part...he couldn't quite handle me, and said a lot of terrible things (I can only hope he regretted them, since "I'm sorry" were not words that were big in his vocabulary).  Sure, kids are resilient, they can rebound from tough situations, but when it comes to their parents, they'll never forget.  I've written a lot about how I forgive my dad for the things he said and did over the years, but I'll always remember being a pint sized 6 year old being told he wished I'd never been born.  I'll never forget being told that if he and my mom divorced, it'd be my fault (and being me, I wished it were true, since it meant he'd be moving out...), and I'll always feel sad for the little nug that I was, being constantly thrust into the middle of my parent's marital spouts.  When I didn't agree with my dad (which was pretty much always), the put downs were inevitable.  Somehow, he never quite bullied me into submission, but I eventually lost the confidence I exuded as a child; convinced no one liked me (who could, if my own father didn't?), feeling low, it took me a very long time to learn to be "me" again.  And even now, I struggle with it.

A girl's relationship with her father is paramount in her life. While every girl who isn't loved by her father isn't destined to work a pole (obviously), there have been recent studies that even links horseplay with fathers to a girl's confidence through her life.  To be truthful, I didn't quite realize how important it was until I had my own daughter.  I always knew I was missing out in the Daddy/daughter relationship arena; I envied girls who had dads who doted on them, who encouraged them to do better in life than they had, who enjoyed them.  I never quite grasped what a difference it could make on a girl's life to have that connection; but once I saw my daughter's face light up at the sight of her father, it clicked.  He'll be the first man in her life to show her how a man should treat a woman.  He'll demonstrate not only how she should be treated, but how they should conduct themselves.  He'll be the first man to tell her he loves her, kiss her tears away, and support and encourage her through any of her endeavors.  That's why I'm so grateful my daughter has my husband for a father; not because he's such a great daddy (although he is), but because he's so much more.  He's a great husband- the kind who is my best friend.  The kind where it feels weird to not talk to him a hundred times a day about anything and everything, who let's me know he appreciates me as much as I do, him.  He's a hard worker, he's close with his family, he holds doors for strangers every.single.time he walks in or out of a building, and he's smart, to boot (brains are kind of my "thing").  

As far as good examples go, my daughter has it made.  I could be jealous, I suppose, but the truth is, while it's not the same relationship, he was the first to do all those things for me, too.  I guess you could say she and I both got pretty lucky.  That's not to say that all my issues magically disappeared because I lucked out with a great husband; but that fact alone goes to show that even in the best of outcomes, lacking a good father figure could affect you for life.  That's why I would urge any man out there to not stop at being a good father, but being a good person.  No one is perfect; we all have our moments where we lose our cool, but remember this: while they may forgive you for things you say and do in the heat of anger or frustration, they probably won't ever forget.  I know I never did.