Of course, this was just the icing on the cake of already feeling scared and nervous 24/7; on top of worrying about him being sick, I have to worry about the rest of us, especially Ben, getting sick. I think we're all a bit worn out, but now that the fever has (God willing/knock wood) subsided, I'm really hoping things look up and surgery can go on as (now) scheduled on October 3. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's been really difficult this last week. While surgery has actually kind of been the last thing on our minds with him feeling so sick, seeing him so down in the dumps and barely able to get off the couch had us all in agony. In previous weeks, while we were definitely scared and feeling the weight of everything going on, we kind of had a rhythm going. Kenny would work from home, anyone who was around would help out, and while we had some difficult conversations, we had plenty light hearted banter and every day talk keeping us chipper. This week was just all down...he went back to sleeping on the couch with someone staying by him, barely eating, and not doing...anything. Even writing that has me feeling like crap. Thankfully, the last day or two he's been able to get up and about a little bit with the fever gone, which has definitely helped morale.
I've spent a lot of time being angry (this obviously isn't news). I've missed my life so much it feels like it physically hurts. I miss everything about my house and living in it; our morning routines, our dinner time catch up, even just catching up on the DVR before we doze off at night. I miss my dog so incredibly much; her sweet doggy face, how she would lay on our feet at night, our evening walks together, and just having her around. All the simple little things about our lives together. I miss when my biggest worry was going to be how I was going to lose my baby weight or find time to write. I've been angry about losing all of that, about losing our independence. I know Kenny has felt the same, we've lamented about it, got mad about it, and cried about it. Sometimes, it seems we've lost sight of what really matters...
So the last few days I've been trying to change my attitude. I've been thanking God for every beautiful day. I've been trying to focus on the fact that our lack of independence is (hopefully) a temporary thing; and even if it isn't, we're fortunate enough to have all of the love, support and help we have. We've got two amazing babies, that (God willing and the Creek don't rise) are happy, healthy and loved so very much. We have soooo many wonderful people pulling for us and offering anything and everything to help. We've got good insurance, which affords us a wealth of opportunity to help Kenny get well; and, most importantly, as a friend of Kenny's said to him the other day, he's got this. This whole process has been terrifying...and pardon my French when I tell you that finding out about this tumor was a total mindfuck. There we were, just living out our lives, just had another baby barely home from the hospital; I mean, what sounds nicer than a happily married young(ish) couple expanding their family? BAM! Brain tumor. Except we know now it wasn't really that way, it'd really been there growing slowly for a very long time; but it kind of felt like an egg sized terrorist had just exploded an iud in my life. Mother effer. But one of the things I've always loved about Kenny is his confidence. Sure, it's caused a few good arguments (no one is ALWAYS right, dude!), but I've always admired his intelligence, his ambition, and how sure of himself he is...so yeah...he's got this.
I will continue to update when I get a chance! As always, many thanks to all for the continued thoughts and prayers- keep 'em comin'! XOXO
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